Welp, this is a proposal I guess, we will get into the mind of humanity's worst monster, one of the worst of the worst, truly a bad pedophile... but is his first name Jeffrey or is his last name Epstein?
What's the Work?
The Onion is a parody news source youtube channel that uploads skits based on real news station videos but going obviously into doing completely satirical shitposted news.
This time, we get to focus in one of the weirdly more producted videos of the channel, a mockumentary about one of the biggest monsters of real life... but going more into the absurd and making it all more cartoonishly evil than usual. Enter Jeffrey Epstein, the bad pedophile.
By the way, I didn't kill myself, yeh, revived just to say that, welp, back to dying. (If he didn't kill himself... then who did?)
Who is Jeffrey Epstein? What did he do?
Jeffrey Epstein is the titular Bad Pedophile of the documentary, who as you people might assume, he is in fact a pedophile, but one with a bunch of resources that go a lot deeper than you could imagine, with a bunch of crimes under his hand.
The first thing we get from Jeffrey Epstein in the video, is a call that he did to Donald Trump after being arrested, where he states how he is going to tell everyone that the president is a pedo like him... that is unless someone silences him by killing him, but he is not worried about that obviously. But well, he then appears dead.
As the video tell us, Epstein was allegedly born on 1953 to an alleged mother and alleged father... allegeldy, having a pretty normal childhood for someone that was going to become one of the biggest and most fucked up pedophiles, which could be seen by those times even then, as he really liked the company of underage people, making a bunch of friends, truly the typical All-American Molester. Abandoning anything that has to do with college, even if he was pretty smart to the point people though he was going to Harvard, Epstein ended up working in the Deep State in the mailroom... obviously serving the Shadowy Cabal that secretely controls the U.S. Goverment, where he will start to organize orgies, blackmailing heads of the state and even trafficking little girls from all across the world. While working there, he got to connect with a bunch of powerful and wealthiest people, becoming fully a criminal after that.
By 1990, Epstein became one of the biggest promises of Basketball, facing against Trump multiple times, usually winning by the end, to the point that Trump ended up respecting him and participating in the stuff that he does too.
After all of that, Epstein was now incredibly powerful, to the point that he attained an island that was called the Pedophile Island (which got a Starbucks recently), being known for doing pretty big molesting parties, but no one knew that pretty much everyone in there was a sex slave beside him and a random. Having a bunch of famous people to go to his parties (who all of them signed and said what they liked about his parties... but that didn't prove much for the cops). Epstein also randomly had a bunch of vehicles like the Transcontinental Pedophile Railroad, his pedophile cruiseship the Hymen's Majesty, his pretty stupid looking Handjob Handcar or of course... his fucking space shuttle the Molester Galactic. But there was something even more evil besides all of this... he was a sexist, not letting any female pedophile to go to his parties... except for one, that being Ghislaine Maxwell, who got to pass his very tiresome and difficult training to become an official pedophile in his eyes. Also, for some reason, his whole business worked as a Pyramide Scheme, with him on the top and after that his bird pet for some reason.
Anyways, stuf happened, he got arrested for a bunch of evidence, although the stronger one was the shape of his sexual organ... he immediately tried to kill himself to escape punishment but it was in vain, as he was charged with... Penis Goofin', so yeah, the punishment was pretty stupid, as he was instead sent to a juvenile prison and forced to work as a doctor for teenagers, even having his own private underage sex room... truly a complete molestation of justice.
10 years passed after that where he mantained a low profile where he only molested in terms of phylantropi, until getting arrested again thanks to more evidence with the semen spatter thing. He then got killed in prison, where a bunch of murder patrol members were sent by Trump's signature to kill Jeffrey Epstein, and then his second signature to fake it as a suicide (but instead of deleting the video of his murder, they deleted all records of his life besides that. Even then, Jeffrey's corpse constantly wake up in the autopsy to tell everyone that he didn't kill himself, and also asking any underage person there to give him a massage... (Officially, Jeffrey was said to have died peacefully on his noose) The people in the documentary think that he went to the purgatory and then to heaven for some reason, to then state that he was pretty cool either way.
In truth, Jeffrey somehow came back from the dead as a zombie with a chainsaw, killing a random guard and now seeking to kill the ones who killed him, thanks to his new supernatural and undead powers (and chainsaw).
Mitigating Factors
Of course not! He is Jeffrey Epstein! He subverts any type of actual care for Trump (as he calls him his best friend) by wanting to tell everyone that he is also a pedophile, has no actual care for the people below him on his pyramide scheme. The only being that he could have cared for was his beloved cokcatiel, Corky, but at the same time, the bird appears once in the whole video, where for some reason it has a chain on its beak which pretty much tell us that the bird might have been mistreated by Epstein, and either way, any type of care sound more pragmatic than anything taking in account how important it was for the business, not even having any photo with the bird in the whole video, personally, don't think its preventing.
Heinous Standard
He easily passes, has a bunch of sex trafficking across the whole world, even more pedophilia, pretty much letting a bunch of celebrities and powerful people to get sex slaves on his island (which pretty much all the population consisted on sex slaves), sought to kill the ones that got him killed as an undead monster, and well, his sex trafficking and pedophilia went in an immense scale, so he easily stands out I say.
Silly?
Of course he is silly, this the Onion after all, the whole video is covered with jokes and is a parody of crime documentary. We have stuff like saying the word "allegedly" for everything, including his day of born and his parents, having a whole section about his time as a basketball player, his whole thing about stating that he didn't kill himself and that there are rules that say to not kill themselves, and the whole joke about him coming back as an undead zombie coming for revenge... of course is silly.
As discussed in the Taylor Swift proposal, thanks to the quantity of videos with different ideas and some heroic characters, I don't think any of this should fall into comedic sociopathy.
Final Verdict
I will give a big yes to this version of Jeffrey Epstein.